Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Yes, you read that right...  After a *not terrible* weekend, I thought that maybe this 4th round of chemo was going to be a little easier on me...  Well, I was wrong...

Dane had to leave early this morning for soccer tryouts, a coach's meeting, and then CPR training...  Emma was still in Winston-Salem being completely spoiled at "Nana Camp" and Jake needed me to take him to his 1/2 day camp, "Games, Games, Games."  I woke up on an empty stomach.  I tried to get something to snack on quickly, but no luck.  I go running to the bathroom wretching.  In between gags, I call to Jake to bring me a drink from the fridge.  He is definitely freaked out.  "Mom?  Are you gonna be ok?"  Ugh.

I get Jake out the door, stop at McD's for some breakfast and drop him off at camp.  I instantly turn around and head back home.  I am still not feeling well.  I go upstairs and lay (lie?) down and try to sleep.  My head hurts.  My belly hurts.  I am NOT going to make it to my exercise class today.  I can't sleep due to complete misery, and I start to cry.  I hate this.  I hate this more than anything.  This is SO MUCH HARDER than it was 7 years ago.  My strength is crumbling.

It's time to go pick up Jake.  I stop and pick up some crackers and a drink to snack on the way.  We decide to go out to lunch, which I am hoping will help put the nausea to rest.  We come home, Jake plays Wii, and I go to grab an Ativan to help relieve the nausea.  I'm here to tell you that just opening up the pill bottle sent my stomach into overdrive and by the time I had a pill in my hand, I started wretching all over again.  I threw the pill on the counter, grabbed a drink and headed back upstairs, trying to breathe calmly.  Mind over matter, I try to tell myself...

Back in bed, and the tears start flowing again.  I just don't want to do this.  I'm pissed that I have to do this again.  I'm scared to death.  I sent Dane a text asking when he was going to be home.  I just needed him to be home.

I think that one of the reasons this is so much harder than 7 years ago, is that the last time there was a definite "schedule."  I did chemo on a Thursday, felt a little tired on Friday, slept all day Sat and Sun, and felt great on Mon.  No nausea.  This time, everything is so random.  I don't know what to expect from day to day.

I am still hopeful that the next four rounds are different.  Everyone keeps telling me that it should be easier.  I am praying for that.

Tonight as I write this, I am definitely feeling better.  I pray that tomorrow is a completely different day.

Love you guys.

P.S.  I am too tired to proofread.  If you find any errors, don't tell me.  :)